Creative Writing — What Is Your Biggest Fear?

What are your fears? For some of us, it could be insects. Some fear seeing ghosts. Some fear dying.

Personally, I fear being lost. When I was younger, I always associated being lost with losing my parents in a shopping mall and losing my directions on an unfamiliar street. As I grow older, I realised the meaning and definitions of fear can vary and change over time.

Fear of being lost coupled with fear of failure? Not the best.

Hitting the milestone at the ages of twelve and sixteen was the first time I experienced my biggest fear. Reflecting back on those days, it never once hit me how young we were when we experienced the most crucial events that could determine the next stages of our lives.

Burn-out when studying for national exams was inevitable. I remember those nights when I sat in my room, crying from the stress of not understanding a calculus or chemistry question and getting the wrong answer, feeling so so so helpless. The fear of failure was also inevitable, although expected.

At a young age, we were supposed to have a goal, a dream of what we want to pursue as we continue our education. But were we always clear about what we wanted? What if our aspirations change mid-way and we feel lost as to what we are actually doing?

I would never in my lifetime, forget the emotions I felt as I sat in the line with my other classmates in the large school hall.

When our principal was addressing the whole school and parents on the importance of goals, and statistics of students passing and failing the exam, all I can think of was, “Which percentage do I belong to? Would I be able to make it to a good school? Would I do my parents proud with whatever score I received?”

If I failed, I had no idea what I was going to do, or what was going to happen.

My hands grew clammier as the second grew, my heart beating frantically against my chest as I watch my other schoolmates receive their results. Some carry neutral expressions while some cry and some smile, walking off to their families.

When it was my turn to stand and walk towards the small table my form teacher was at, I watch as he retrieve my result slip. The walk I took felt longer than it actually was, as I searched my teachers’ faces for any signs of my results.

“Congratulations,” was what my primary school and secondary school form teachers said when I was twelve and sixteen respectively. The lightness in my chest and the feeling of boulders being thrown off my shoulders were emotions I wish I could grab and store in a fancy glass container so I could relive them again when I grow older and when things get tough.

This time, I escaped being lost without a dream and a failure.

As I hit my mid-twenties and graduated from college, my word association with fear blurred once again. My fear of being lost in life and being a failure definitely still existed, yet I feel that the word seems heavier with meaning these days.

Watching as my college friends achieve new things in life made my chest heavy and throat tighten with an unfamiliar emotion. Don’t get me wrong, I was definitely proud of my friends.

Some of them decided to pursue further education in a well-known university; some of them got a job they’ve always dreamed about; some were even getting engaged.

Everyone had different definitions of success—graduating with merit, falling in love with your best friend, buying a car.

For me, I always felt vague. Felt like I was chasing different things that will make me successful yet never once truly felt so. I thought graduating from college and finding a full-time job that I enjoyed, made me a successful person yet, when I heard that one of my ex-classmates had her starting pay of $2.7K at her design full-time job, I felt that my starting pay of $2.5K wasn’t enough.

When one of my closest friends got married a few months later, the loneliness that I tried so hard to mask and keep hidden was starting to overflow. Would my friends eventually forget about me once they start their own families? Once they start having kids, surely they would have lesser time to go for impromptu outings then.

I then realised that I feared being left behind as we grew older.

Would this fear ever lessen over time? Probably yes, probably no.

As I worked and meet new people with different perspectives, part of me has come to accept that people take different routes in life and travel to places at different paces. Along the way, we’d probably meet different people while losing some. Life isn’t a challenge of who arrives at certain milestones first.

Maybe learning to be happy with who and where you are in life is part of being successful.

Maybe then, the fear of being lost, being a failure and being unsuccessful would then lessen.

So, what is your biggest fear?

Written by: Blondie Tan